DISCLAIMER: This blog post is RIDICULOUS. Read at your own risk.
Romance novelists are awesome.
And I’m not just saying that because I am one.
Okay, fine that’s exactly why I’m saying it.
You could do a lot worse than a romance novelist.
Probably. I don’t know.
5 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD MARRY A ROMANCE NOVELIST
REASON #1: WE’RE ROMANTIC, DUH
ALL romance writers are romantic.
Little known fact: You’re not allowed to become a romance writer unless you’re romantic af.
I mean, I’d explain it to you but it’s mostly a lot of science and top secret stuff so…
If you like receiving flowers for no reason, surprise picnics full of your favorite finger foods, and midnight lovemaking sessions on a private beach in the Caymans…
You might want to marry a romance novelist.
You, probably: So you really just write whatever the hell you feel like writing, huh?
Me: You sound a little jealous today. Wink.
REASON #2: WE’RE WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING, AT LEAST ONCE.
For the sake of our novel, of course.
Adventure is practically our middle name.
After all, how could we write about our dashing protagonist, an up and coming race car driver who happens to swim with sharks on the weekends, if we haven’t done the same?
You, probably: So… you’re just flat out lying now? Is that what’s happening here?
Me: I’m a writer, silly.
You, probably: That’s…not an answer.
Being willing to try anything is awesome and can benefit you (the future spouse of a romance novelist) in a variety of ways.
But there’s one, in particular, I think you’ll really enjoy.
That’s right y’all.
As romance novelists, WE WRITE SEX.
Lots of sex.
Lots and lots and lots of sex.
And lezbehonest…there’s only so many ways to skin a cat. If you catch my drift.
So how do we keep it feeling funky fresh for our readers?
We must try all manner of freaky -ish with YOU…for the sake of our art, of course.
Me: Why aren’t you saying anything?
You, probably: I-I don’t know what to say.
Me: (smiling slyly)
You, probably: Nope, don’t do that.
REASON #3: YOU’LL BE FAMOUS!
Well to us, anyway.
Sidenote: Is it just me or does that chick in the paparazzi photo look like Aunt Lydia?
You’ll be famous.
You will be featured in every novel we write.
You will be our crafty hero/heroine.
Or our evil but ridiculously sexy villain.
Maybe you’ll be our protagonist’s best friend who he can tell anything to and is secretly in love with.
You will be the hot, sexy, or foxy lady (or dude) in every novel we write.
You, probably: Thaaat’s definitely not true.
Me: Yeah, well…you’re definitely not true.
You, probably: Mature.
Me: (smiling) Aw, thank you.
REASON #4: WE’RE THOUGHTFUL AF
Having a rough day at work?
BOOM. We’ll show up with your favorite drink from Starbuck’s and give you a three-minute hug to get you through the rest of the day.
Been hitting it hard in the gym lately?
BOOM. Total body massage complete with delicious smelling oils and that weirdly soothing meditation music that everyone likes.
BOOM. Awaken to your work clothes already laid out, your morning chores taken care of and a breakfast sandwich from your fav fast food joint.
WE ARE THOUGHTFUL AF
Heartfelt poems written on post-it notes, random texts telling you how much we love you and making your coffee the way you like is only the tip of the iceberg.
Want to get swept off your feet with thoughtfulness?
Marry a romance novelist!
REASON #5: WE LOVE LOVE!
The grand gestures.
The small details.
Okay, so maybe we wear our rose-colored glasses more than the average person but I say, all the more reason to love us.
We will make a case for soulmates, love at first sight, and even the absurd Disney version of happily ever after.
We’re here for it all.
Even Bridget Jones.
Especially Bridget Jones.
And we will love you with all the ferocity, tenderness, and hope of someone madly in love with love itself.
So folks, if on your quest to find “the one,” you stumble upon the rarely spotted, kind-hearted and too cheesy for words romance novelist in the wilds of Tinder…
You won’t regret it.
P.S. It’s probably better that you don’t google any of the many “claims” made in the blog post. Um, just don’t.